Some time back I received an apology that was
so sleazy, shaming and blame-reversing that it
will forever stay etched in my memory.
I man I'll call Leon oversaw promotion for an
important conference where I was to speak.
The organization had a photo of me taken a
generation ago, so I sent him a recent picture
to use in both print and on-line promotion.
When I showed up I wanted to resemble
myself.
Leon posted the wrong photo on line and in the
printed brochure and then failed to correct the
online photo when I requested twice that he do
so.
In our final conversation--during which I felt
like putting a stake through his forehead--Leon
offered several “apologies” that went like this: “
I’m sorry but I can’t pay attention to every
detail. I’m not perfect.”
“I’m sorry that the photo is so important to
you. I don’t think that the participants are as
involved as you are in how you look.”
And finally, “Okay, I apologize. I didn’t know
this was such a sensitive issue for you.”
I would have much preferred that Leon did not
apologize at all because a false, blame-reversing
apology only repeats and deepens the original
injury. While I was not pleased with his
combination of incompetence, disrespect, and
defensiveness, I can thank him for providing a
sterling example of a sleazy, blame-reversing
apology:
I’m sorry but I can’t pay attention to
every detail. I’m not perfect.” Watch out
for the word “but.” This sneaky little add-on
will undo the sincerity of any apology. It
doesn’t matter if what you say after the “but”
is true. It will make your apology false. Also,
Leon was re-framing the issue, that is, he slid
away from claiming responsibility by slightly
alterning the subject. "Perfectionism" was
never the issue here.
Okay, I apologize. I didn’t know this was
such a sensitive issue for you.” A common
way we ruin an apology is to basically say, “I’m
sorry you feel that way.” or “I’m sorry that
what I said/did made you upset.” There is no
accountability here. You’re saying in effect,
“I’m sorry you reacted the way you did to my
perfectly reasonable behavior.” A genuine
apology focuses only on our wrongdoer’s
behavior and not on the other person’s
response.
Consider three more relationship-busting sorrys
that you should take care to avoid.
“I apologize for yelling and now I’d like
you to apologize for provoking me.” A
good apology does not bring up the other
person’s crime sheet but focuses only on
expressing responsibility and remorse for our
part. Save your complaints for a different
conversation.
“I apologized ten times for the affair so
please let’s drop it already.” “I’m sorry”
should not be a way out of a difficult
conversation, yet we reflexively use it that way
when we’re under fire. No apology will have
meaning if we haven’t listened carefully to the
injured party’s anger and pain.
“Oh, God, I was such a bad mother! I’ll
never every forgive myself! (accompanied
by handringing and tears”). It’s important to
show genuine remorse but it won’t help to act
forlorn and beleaguered as if the other person
had just rubbed your face in a plate of dog
food, thus implying that the person you really
feel sorry for is yourself.
As I explain in Why Won't You Apologize, it can
be excruciatingly painful to be on the receiving
end of a bad apology. If you're the hurt party,
it helps to recognizing why the apology you
received just doesn't feel right. In fact, the
more you think about it, the more it leaves you
feeling worse.
If you're the one who needs to give an
apology, get it right. Now that you know how to
muck it up, don’t.
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