why the worst offenders can't say "I'm sorry."

How can we understand people who do great
harm, yet feel no remorse and won't say, "I'm
sorry"?

Many decades ago in San Francisco, I
administered psychological testing to a minister
who had had sexual intercourse with each of
his four daughters. He expressed no guilt or
remorse. A religious man with “strong family
values,” he insisted that he did not want his
daughters to be introduced to sexuality by
strangers who might exploit them.

I will never forget the burst of self-righteous
anger that the father directed toward me when
I asked him if he had initiated any sexual
activity with his only son. “Dr. Lerner,” he said,
rising from his chair and almost spitting my
name, “That would be a sin!”
The worse the offense and the greater the
shame, the more difficult it is for the wrongdoer
to empathize with the harmed party and feel
remorse. Instead one tells oneself, “It wasn’t
my fault,” or “I couldn’t help myself,” or “It’s
not that big a deal.” Self-protective
explanations often shift the blame onto the
harmed party as ever deeper levels of self-
deception come into play. One tells oneself,
“She really asked for it,” “I did it for her own
good,” or, “It was necessary,” and even, “It
never happened.”

None of us will identify with the minister I
described. Although he was in many ways
ordinary, he engaged in a type of violence that
few parents can begin to imagine. But that
said, the human capacity for self-deception is
extraordinary. Whether the context is personal
or political, all of us can create layers of
defensiveness when we cannot face the shame
of having violated our values and having
harmed others.

It's useful to understand that the person who
has betrayed, abused, or neglected you is the
least likely to ever get it and apologize. For
people who do serious harm, defensiveness is
not merely a roadblock they can get past after
you do the best possible job confronting them
with your anger and pain. When people have
lost sight of their value and worth
defensiveness is where they live. They will stay
wrapped in a blanket of defensiveness and
denial in order to survive.

As I explain in Why Won't You Apologize?,
it's always easier to offer a sincere apology for
small things than for serious transgressions. If
you're waiting for an apology from the person
who harmed you, don't hold your breath. You
can move forward in your life with optimism
and hope without it.